MPAA Press Release -

The following comments (censored for the safety of the viewing public) appeared on a community-driven news site known as Digg.com this afternoon in response to an article outlining the new strategy of the MPAA in combating the growing threat of home theater pirates:

"I violated (CENSORED) at least 5 times (CENSORED) my family...." – mainfr4me

This kind of reprehensible behavior is indicative of what the MPAA has become aware is normal behavior for this new breed of movie pirate. The MPAA will do all in it's power to crackdown on these violations by introducing new legislation to allow the installation of equipment that will monitor all home theater owners.

All movie viewing sessions will record the IDs of all viewers, along with recording their behavior and movements in case of suspicious behavior or defamatory comments about the MPAA, it's members, or the work produced by the member studios. The data will be sent to the MPAA's Special UnderCover Knowledge Enforcement Regimental Service (SUCKERS), which will then dispatch teams to homes in violation of copyrights. Such violations include, but are not limited to, viewing of films by those not owning a licensed copy of the work, including friends, enemies, lovers, teammates, strangers, coworkers, spouses, partners, children between the ages of 6 months and 150 years, family pets (of any type that have eyes, ears, or any other light or sound sensing organs), light-sensitive plants, people from any country containing the letters A, E, I, O, U, or Y or whose name contains any combination of said letters, and pests or insects that are present within 100 yards of the theater.

Any person or object found in violation of copyright laws, will be fined a minimum of $500,000 per movie viewing. Such persons will be labeled “enemy combatants” and will be dealt with accordingly by SUCKERS teams.

The viewing of copyrighted works without obtaining a license via the proper channels is a crime and is a "gateway" to harder violations such as music piracy, removing the "DO NOT REMOVE" tags from mattresses, jaywalking, speeding, walking on the grass, drug use, child molestation, organ harvesting, terrorism, and even full-scale illegal movie downloading and DVD copying for backup purposes.

The MPAA takes these matters very seriously because if such behavior is allowed to grow unchecked, it could threaten the very fabric of society and the family values upon which America is built. Unlicensed viewing of copyrighted works not only funds terrorism (as been proven by the Independent Department In Orthodox Terrorist Studies (IDIOTS)), but actually causes cancer in puppies and is a major contributing factor to global warming.

Original Digg post